


Unfaithful

by Flippedeclipse



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Blackmail, Cheating, Dubious Consent, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-16
Updated: 2012-07-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 21:44:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/435772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flippedeclipse/pseuds/Flippedeclipse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tali made a mistake, one that she promised she'd never make again, but Garrus had other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This originally started as a kinkmeme fill, but it's grown into something massive. Please be warned that there are elements of cheating, non-con, and what may seem like out-of-characterness throughout this story, so read at your own discretion. 
> 
> The prompt asked for the following:
> 
> Tali is in a relationship with MShep. They're very happy together.
> 
> However after a couple drinks and some skillful seduction from Garrus, she ends up cheating on Shepard with him. Tali resolves to never let it happen again, but Garrus has different plans.
> 
> He uses this one act of infidelity to blackmail Tali into having sex with him whenever he wants. Tali is horrified, but deep down in a place in her mind she would never admit existed, she cant help but be incredibly turned on by the idea.
> 
> Bonus points for some humiliation on Talis end.
> 
> Super bonus points if Shepard never finds out, and this pattern continues for a long long time.
> 
> Anyway, I hope it entertains :)

Tali checked the time on her omnitool, arching her back in a stretch to loosen up the kinks that had settled in from hours of pouring over her console. Even though she was technically on shore leave, she'd still been working all day, in an effort to get the engines back up to speed. Adams, Donnelly, and Daniels were good at what they did, but she knew the Normandy's drive core inside out, and they sometimes missed the little details that she could see. It gave her plenty to do, perhaps a little too much, if skipping shore leave to do some tinkering was any indication.

 

She popped the joints in her wrists, which were stiff from all the typing she'd been doing, and then the ones in her neck, sighing in pleasure as the tension fell out of them. She powered down her console and brought up her omnitool interface again, tapping the message icon and frowning as it took longer than expected; she'd have to mod it to work faster again, the darned thing. Her inbox was flooded with messages from members of the flotilla (most of it was fan mail, which was partly amusing and partly humbling) and from those aboard the Normandy. She scanned quickly for a message from Shepard, and found none. Well, he had been busy doing errands today, so she didn't blame him all that much. He was as bad as she was when it came to concentrating only at the task at hand, and anyway, she'd have her time with him tonight. She skimmed through messages from Kaidan and Liara, welcoming her aboard, and giggled at one Javik had sent her, seemingly by accident, grumbling about how primitive their communication systems were.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of the intercom above her, making her jump.

 

"Tali, you there?" Garrus' voice filtered through the speaker, slightly distorted.

 

"Garrus! Yes, how are you?" She hadn't had many opportunities to speak with her old friend since coming aboard, and she had missed his company dearly over the past few months.

 

"Oh, not too bad, you?"

 

"I'm fine," she replied, looking up, though she knew he wouldn't be able to see her. "Did you need me for something?"

 

"Nah, just wanted to know what you're still doing on the ship. Shore leave applies to quarians too, if I remember correctly," he said, a teasing lilt in his voice that made her smile despite herself.

 

"I was convinced it applied to turians too, though I guess I was wrong about that. Too busy calibrating, hmm?" she giggled as he groaned over the intercom.

 

"We'd be lucky to hit  _anything_ with these guns if it wasn't for me, you know."

 

"Sure, sure. I'm starting to believe Kelly when she said you'd been calibrating your own gun in there all the time."

 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he replied, not missing a beat. She spluttered slightly, then managed to gain back her composure.

 

"That's not what I meant!"

 

"Mmmmm... if you say so..."

 

"You are insufferable, Vakarian." His pleased laugh echoed through the drive core room, and she shook her head. Garrus would never change, but that was one of the things she liked about him. He was a constant, always consistent and loyal, while everything else changed. She knew Shepard felt the same way; it was probably the reason their friendship was so strong.

 

"But listen," he started, bringing her attention back to him. "Shepard's gone to see the asari councillor today, he won't be back anytime soon, and I think we both need a break from watching screens."

 

"Oh? You have something in mind?"

 

"Always, Tali. You still owe me drinks for beating you in that kill competition back on Aite, remember?"

 

"That was months ago!"

 

"And  _you_  never paid up because your boyfriend got himself thrown in the brig."

 

"That wasn't Shepard's fault," she grumbled.

 

"I know, I'm only teasing. But really, put work aside for a night."

 

"I don't know..." she mumbled, twitching the corner of her mouth downwards.

 

"Come on," he drawled, a hint of challenge in his voice. "It'll be fun."

 

She sighed. She would never admit it to him, but there was something about that persuasive voice of his, something that she was sure most of the other women on the ship found as attractive as she did.

 

"Fine," she said, doing her best to sound reluctant. "Give me an hour to finish things up."

 

\----

 

Tali squinted as bright lights bombarded her faceplate. Clubs weren't really her thing, as she much preferred the quieter, peaceful areas of the Citadel, but Garrus seemed completely in his element. He'd worked in C-Sec though, she reminded herself. He'd probably be comfortable on any part of the station.

 

She took his lead as they wove their way through the crowds to the bar, where they managed to snag a couple of seats near the end. The place was packed, though Tali wasn't surprised; people needed some way to forget that there was a war going on, after all. Thankfully the lights were a little less flashy in this corner of Purgatory, so she felt more at ease as she settled into her chair beside Garrus. He signaled over the asari bartender who gave them a warm smile and took their orders. She ordered filtered brandy for herself, and he had a whiskey. Interesting, she thought. She never figured him for a whiskey kind of person. The asari left two glasses in front of them momentarily, a straw floating in hers. She'd probably get a cold for drinking in this unsanitized place, but she would live through it.

 

"A straw?" Garrus asked, slightly incredulous, as he gestured toward the blue one in her glass.

 

"I'm not putting it through my feeding tube," she replied with a scoff, lining up the straw with her breathing slot and taking a sip. She resisted the urge to grimace at the awful taste. She didn't much like alcohol, but she'd be damned if she gave Garrus the opportunity to make fun of her for getting something a little more pleasant.

 

She should have known though that he'd catch her little shudder. "Too strong for you?" he asked with a laugh.

 

"It's  _fine_."

 

"Let me guess, you're a lightweight too."

 

She huffed in reply, refusing to acknowledge the truth in his comment.

 

"You bosh'tet. Don't you have anything better to do than tease me all the time?"

 

"Of course not," he replied lightly, shooting her a grin. "It's too easy."

 

"I could say the same about you, Vakarian," she countered.

 

"Oh, you don't know that." He looked straight at her then, and she was slightly struck at how blue his eyes were. She'd never really seen them this up close before, and after a moment of staring she blinked and looked away. Garrus let out a laugh and she turned away, feeling her skin flush at being caught staring, but apparently that wasn't what he found so amusing. "So you do want to know? Shepard won't like this."

 

She let out an half-mock, half-indignant huff, then turned to glare at him, but he was looking out over the crowd again.

"Keelah, you are  _impossible_. I don't know why Shepard keeps you around."

 

His head turned quickly to look at her, an unreadable emotion in his eyes, but that flickered out within a second as his face softened into an amused expression.

"Your drink's finished." 

 

She looked down into her glass, and sure enough, it was. He wasn't even half done his, and she felt slightly embarrassed for drinking so fast. Garrus didn’t seem to take notice of it though as he waved the bartender over, ordering her another drink.

 

"Thanks," she said, taking another sip. It was burning less now, though she presumed it had something to do with the buzzing feeling in her head. She needed to get a hold of herself, last thing she needed was to get completely drunk with Garrus. He’d never let her live it down.

 

"Not a problem. So, about Shepard..."

 

"What about him?"

 

He shot her a sidelong glance, mandibles spread in a grin. "How do you two make it work, anyway?"

 

She took another sip, trying to think clearly despite the growing fuzziness in her head. "Why?"

 

"Oh, just curious. Never tried the interspecies dating thing myself." This caught her by surprise. She'd always assumed Garrus was a little... adventurous in his endeavours.

 

"Not even asari?" she asked.

 

He shook his head and quirked a mandible. "Not my type."

 

"Well, what is your type?" A strange look came over his face, but before she could blink it was gone.

 

"That would be telling." She laughed and shook her head. He drained his glass, but didn't order another one, instead focusing his full attention on her. "So, Miss Vas Normandy, I believe I asked you a question."

 

"Let's not talk about that," she mumbled, looking away from him. The intensity of his gaze was a little too much for her. She was nearing the bottom of her glass for the second time; she really needed to get a hold of herself.

 

"I won't tell anyone, I promise." He did that grin again, and for some reason it made her suit feel a little too clingy, like she'd been running on a hot day.

 

"We're... careful," she said almost inaudibly.

 

He leaned closer to her. "What? I didn't get that."

 

"I said we're careful." He was close enough that had she not had her suit on, she'd be able to feel the heat radiating off of him. It should have felt uncomfortable, but for some reason it felt fine, almost good. She pushed that thought out of her mind quickly though. What the hell was she thinking? She wasn't supposed to be attracted to Garrus, of all people; he was Shepard's best friend, after all.

 

"Hmm," he hummed, then looked down at her glass again. "Done again?" he said with a laugh. "Let's get you another one."

 

"Garrus, I don't think that's -"

 

He waver her objection away. "You'll be fine." He signaled for another drink, and the asari slid a filled tumbler over to him. He gave her a nod and exchanged the new glass for the one still in Tali's hands.

 

"You're going to be the death of me," she muttered, but didn't hesitate to take a quick sip. She couldn't even feel the burn of it going down her throat now, just a pleasant buzz in her head. Everything felt marvelous, though that might have just been due to Garrus' close proximity. She stifled a giggle and bit her lip.

 

"No, I'm going to be the one who hauls your drunk ass out of here," he said with a laugh. His eyes met hers again, with an intensity in them that overwhelmed her, but in an oddly pleasant way. "So Shepard's the only one, hmm?"

 

"I - well, yes, other than another quarian..." He raised his eyeplates at her.

 

"No turians? I'm surprised." 

 

She choked on her drink, but his gaze didn't falter. He pressed a hand against her arm in a gesture of support, then retreated it when she could breathe properly again. She'd be lying if she didn't feel a pleasant but guilty jolt from the action. "I don't know many turians," she said, trying and failing to keep an even tone.

 

"Hmm." He tilted his head. "You're missing out." I

 

She blinked again, trying to find some semblance of rationality in her now thoroughly-tipsy brain to form a reply. Of course, she failed miserably, and chose instead to not reply. 

 

"There are a few ways that turians are more pleasing than humans," murmured Garrus, his voice softly caressing her shaky nerves. "Or so I've heard.”

 

"...Huh," she mumbled, a more coherent response eluding her.

 

He hummed lightly. The sound was rather... alluring. She couldn't figure out whether he knew how pleasant his voice was or not; he_ certainly knew how to use it to his advantage though. "We like to give, more than receive." His voice was low in her ears, which sent a shiver down her spine.

 

"I, uh..." She had no words; her mind was an utter blank. She fidgeted with one of the buckles on her thigh with her free hand.

 

"You look lovely when you're embarrassed, you know," he said softly, and her eyes went wide as she met his gaze again. The look he was giving her made her knees weak. He placed a hand on her knee, and she had to make a conscious effort to keep the glass from falling out of her hand. He held her gaze for a while, as his face relaxed into an expression that was unreadable, but at the same time unbearably attractive. The intensity of it made her want to look away, but she couldn't make herself do it. The tips of his fingers skirted back and forth on her kneecap, making her blink in nervousness. How had he managed to reduce her to a blubbering mess like this?

 

"Am I making you nervous?" he asked gently, though without any hint of self-doubt. If anything, he sounded slightly smug.

 

"No," she mumbled, though it wasn't entirely honest. She didn't mind, far from it really, but his closeness did make her nerves jitter in excitement and tension.

 

"Good," he purred, "because I don't think I could pull away from you if I tried." He looked down to where her mouth was; this close up he would be to make out the outline of her lips under the mask, which is where his eyes lingered now, then went back up to look into her own. He wanted her, she realized, oh Keelah, he wanted her. She found herself leaning forward toward him unconsciously, into his touch.

 

"Why's that?" she managed to say.

 

One of his mandibles quirked into a crooked smile. "Well, you are quite the woman Tali." He breathed her name in a way that made her heart race. She swallowed thickly as his scent filtered into her helmet. It was utterly alien, fresh and natural with a tang to it, bewitchingly foreign. The muscles in her legs tightened as she felt the twinge of arousal in the pit of her stomach. This wasn't supposed to be happening, she wasn't supposed to be attracted to someone other than...

 

His hand trailed up her thigh, stopping halfway up. She could feel the heat of his body now, impossibly close to her; how was he still sitting down? Nothing made sense in her head through the haze of alcohol and lust. "I..." she began, but his mouth brushed against the arch of her neck over her suit, and it made any semblance of thought disappear from her mind.

 

"Feel like staying?" He murmured, his flanging voice tightening the knot of excitement in her stomach. Desire curled and uncurled within her, its traitorous tendrils wrapping around her mind and seizing hold.

 

"N-not... really. What were you thinking?" She felt his mandibles flare into a smile, just as he pulled back slightly to look her in the eyes again. Thinly veiled lust was reflected in them, and it just made her grow hotter under her suit.

"There's a nice hotel close to here."

 

"Okay..." she breathed, as he plucked the glass that hadn't fallen out of her hand by some miracle and placed it on the bar, along with his credit chit. Garrus pulled away further, but didn't move the hand on her thigh. Once the bartender had rung them through, he stood quickly and wrapped a hand around her waist, pulling her off the chair. She had a bit of trouble walking, but he held her up and steered them out of the place swiftly. Despite her better judgement, she was thrumming with arousal and excitement, but there was a twinge of guilt mixed in that she simply couldn't shake off.

 

Shepard would never find out about this. Yes, she'd make sure of that.

 

\----

 

The hotel he'd picked was actually very tasteful, but once the door closed behind them she didn't get time to admire the view or the bathtub. Before she could think, he'd pinned her against the wall with a surprising show of force, though he was careful not to hurt her. His body pressed up against hers, and she writhed slightly underneath him, her body betraying her need for contact with his. His hands explored her body feverishly as she traced the angles and plates of his face, her own hands trailing up and down his fringe. His fingers eventually found themselves close to the clips of her faceplate, and he managed to undo one before she pulled away.

 

"I can't, I'll get -"

 

"Sanitized suite," he grunted, then pulled off the mask. She gasped_ as the warm air hit her skin, feeling utterly foreign. Garrus was studying her with a mix of awe and curiosity; he clearly hadn't seen an unmasked quarian before. She suddenly felt very self-conscious and turned her head away, but he pulled her back to face him. "Don't," he murmured, more gently this time. "You're beautiful."

 

She didn't have time to ponder the odd harmonics of his voice as he leaned forward, dragging his tongue from the base of her neck to her ear, gently nipping at the flesh. The effect of the alcohol had worn off a bit, but he was overwhelming her with the sensations he was creating. His fingers worked on the straps of her suit while his tongue explored her exposed skin, coaxing moans from her.

 

"Keelah," she whispered, as he traced her collarbone with small nips. His fingers were still struggling with the straps, so she pushed them away and undid them herself. She unbuttoned the pieces of her hood and helmet and let them fall to the ground haphazardly, letting her hair spill out in a tangle. He didn't wait even a moment before weaving his fingers through it, leaving butterfly kisses on her skin with renewed vigor. She somehow managed to keep undoing the buckles and zippers as he continued to touch and lick her; she shivered a little every time his caresses touched her bare skin.

 

His hands followed wherever she peeled off her suit. She managed to take off the last pieces on her chest and shoulders, baring pale skin to open air. He pressed her into the wall, his cold armor chilling her as he pushed harder against her. He ghosted his gloved hands over her humble-sized breasts, teasing her with barely-there touches. She moved closer to him, arching her back as her body ached for more, his eyes watching her closely. She felt wet heat building between her legs, making her muscles tighten with need and anticipation.

 

"I need you," he rumbled lowly into her ear, making her breath waver.

 

"I, Garrus,  _please...._ " He rubbed her nipple with his thumb, making it pebble, then bent down down and ran his tongue over it. She wouldn't have been able to hold back the moan that escaped her mouth even if she tried. Her fingers fumbled along his armor, haphazardly undoing clasps and buckles as she came across them. She pulled off any pieces she did manage to undo as he nipped her shoulder softly, then licked the imprints he'd left on her skin. One hand gripped her breast more firmly, while the other pulled her hips flush against his.

 

"What?" He almost growled into her ear, running the tip of his tongue over her bottom lip. He didn't give her the opportunity to reply though, for when her lips parted he slipped his tongue into her mouth. She pressed against his mouthplates, drawing him further into her mouth as he took the chance to explore. Their tongues teased and played, slowly at first, then frantically as they both grew more feverish.

 

Eventually she managed to undo most of his armour and pull it off, leaving his upper half in just his undersuit. She searched for the zipper in a sort of lust-induced frenzy, eventually finding it and nearly ripping it off. He helped her pull it off his shoulders, leaving the bare expanse of his plates open for her to discover. She pulled away from their kiss to suck on the tip of his mandible, drawing a groan from him as her nails raked down his cowl. "I want you inside me," she managed to finally say, which made him pause for a moment.

 

For a brief second she thought she'd said something wrong, but it was quite the contrary, she found out, when he picked her up by her thighs and wrapped them around his waist in a rather impressive show of strength. She kissed him again as he walked them over to the bed, stumbling every so often when she ran her fingers over the sensitive spots on the back of his neck. They fell in an unceremonious heap on the bed, both refusing to let go of the other. His hands removed the remaining pieces of armor he had on, throwing them at the foot of the bed, until only the undersuit covering half his body was remaining. She reached up and locked her ankles behind his back, pushing up to grind against his groin plates. He gave a muffled moan against her mouth, which she followed by digging her fingers into the sensitive spot near the juncture of his cowl and neck. He ground his pelvis harder into hers and palmed both of her breasts, rubbing hard circles into them.

 

He moved downwards, making her unlatch her legs, and looked up at her with a playful glint in his eyes, then pulled her nipple into his mouth. He sucked softly at first, then harder, as she squirmed underneath him, her breath coming out in rough pants. His hands worked on unzipping her leggings, inching them down slowly as his name left her lips over and over. He lifted her up slightly and pulled the leggings completely off her body, just as she hooked her toes into the crease of his undersuit and tugged down in an attempt to pull it off. He let out a soft chuckle and took it off himself, leaving both their bodies bare.

 

Garrus brought himself lower, until his face was positioned between her legs. It was smooth there, save for the opening between her legs. She resisted the temptation to close them as he trailed his fingers over her thighs, and in a sudden move he grabbed hold of her ankles and spread her legs, exposing her to him. He studied her carefully, as if trying to figure out what he was supposed to do.

 

"It's inside," she said, making him glance up at her for a brief moment. He was unusually silent, but the thought was pushed aside as he swiped his tongue over the opening, sending shudders through her body. His mandibles tapped against her skin, clearly pleased at the reaction he got out of her.

 

"Hmm," he hummed, then caught her completely off guard as he plunged his tongue inside her. Her mind went completely blank at the sensation. He flicked slightly inside her, touching the bundle of nerves that almost made her shriek. Humans definitely couldn't do this. He flicked again, harder this time, making her hiss in a breath.

 

His mouthplates rubbed against the skin outside her opening as he fucked her with that long, amazing tongue. She could feel the muscles in her legs and pelvis tighten with each thrust, the nerve bundle inside throbbing from his insistent lapping. She moaned his name in a plea for release, her voice turning high pitched as he pressed in deeper. He responded by setting an even faster pace, which made her mind reel as black spots hovered in her vision.

 

She approached her high, completely unable to breathe, and with one final push he sent her over the edge. She dug her heels into the mattress as her walls clenched around his tongue, her head thrown back in sheer ecstasy. His talons gripped her ass tightly, pushing her orgasm even further. She inhaled raggedly, drawing air into her starved lungs as she came back to reality, her heart beating at a rapid rate.

 

Her muscles went limp as she finished, her breathing evening out. He pulled out and crawled over her, coming up to place his mouth against hers. His tongue pushed into her mouth, and she could taste herself on his tongue. "I'm not done with you yet," he murmured into her ear, pulling away and sending sparks of arousal through her body all over again. She let out a whimper as his hands trailed down her sides, his talons leaving little trails of pink behind. They stopped on her hips, and in a swift motion he turned her over onto her stomach. Her face was pressed against the pillow, but she turned her head to the side, just able to see him hovering over her. He lifted her hips off the bed with one hand, the other one teasing fingers around her wet cunt. He slid one in into her opening, and then another, stretching her experimentally and pushing them in up to the hilt. He slipped them out after a moment and pressed them against her mouth, unable to look away as she licked his fingers clean. She sucked hard on them, making him unconsciously dig his fingers into her hips and press against her. She gave them one final lick as he pulled them out of her mouth, pulling a satisfying rumble from deep within his chest.

 

"Tease," he said under his breath, as she felt him line up with her entrance. He entered her in one swift motion, eliciting a sharp moan from her as her muscles stretched to accommodate him. He set a slow pace at first, but she pushed back hard, coaxing him to go faster. He complied, his motions growing frenzied and rough, the ridges of his cock rubbing against the spot inside her that made her mind go numb.

 

She felt the familiar clench of muscles building, tightening her inner walls around him. He gripped her hips tighter and let out a groan at the sensation, head dropping back slightly as he pushed harder. 

 

"Spirits, you're so fucking tight." He pressed her into the pillow, the roughness of it all making every nerve in her body quiver. Tension built in her body, and from the way his breathing hitched she guessed he was close too. She met each of his thrusts with her own, skin slapping against plates in a steady rhythm.

 

"Come for me," he murmured. The words were nearly enough to send her over the edge. His grip on her ass was getting a little painful, but it mixed with pleasure in a way that made her mind sear with white hot ecstasy. "Come for me."

 

And so she did. A muffled scream left her lips; her body shuddering as her vision went blank. A stream of curses left her lips as she tightened around him, her walls refusing to let his cock slip out. He gave another few thrusts to find his own release, emptying himself inside her with a grunt of satisfaction.

 

They collapsed in a pile of sweaty limbs and warm skin, panting heavily. He didn't move out of her, both of them just listening to the other's breathing. Eventually he wrapped his arms around her form and twisted them onto their sides, somehow managing to stay inside her still. She could feel his cock retreat slowly back into its slit, and pressed her back against his, relishing the feeling of his plates against her body.

 

Neither of them spoke though, as sleep threatened to grab hold of both of them. Tali remembered something fleetingly about meeting Shepard, but her mind was too tired to grasp what it was. She let her eyes close, comforted by the feeling of Garrus's body against hers, and let exhaustion take her.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Tali became aware of was the stuffiness in her nose. She breathed in deeply, and immediately regretted the action as her head seared with pain. She managed to open her eyes, but vision was suddenly flooded with burning white light; she squeezed them shut again instantly and groaned. It felt as if she'd been punched in the stomach, so she rolled over onto her side, both to turn away from the light and curl into a ball to stem the dull ache in her abdomen. She took a few more experimental breaths, then opened her eyes again. Thankfully there wasn't anything shining in her face this time, but everything was blurry. She blinked rapidly, clearing up her vision just enough to make out her surroundings.

 

It was dark, though ribbons of light rippled over the wall across from her. Curtains, she managed to figure out, after a few moments of staring. She didn't recognize much else in the room; she could make out a sofa in the corner and a door along the wall, as well as the abstract brown and white patterns on the sheets she was lying on, but everything was foreign. She had no idea where she was.

 

She laid there for a while, refusing to do anything but blink. Her body felt like a wreck: the muscles of her midriff were sore, her eyes burned from the dull ache in her head, and to top it all off, she was all stuffed up with a cold. Her mind paused at that thought. Wait, what? How had she...?

 

She managed to inch her head down low enough to see her body and was met with nothing but pale skin. She was absolutely naked, and something shattered in her mind at the realization. Memories of the night before came rushing back, flooding her already-incapable mind with sensations and events that she didn't remember, didn't want to remember. No, she thought, there was no way.

 

Her first thought was of Garrus. She needed to talk to him, confirm that what she was remembering wasn't true, that it was all just some kind of horrible dream. A quick glance around the room told her that he wasn't here, and the pit of dread in her stomach grew. Perhaps he was in the bathroom? She moved her legs an inch toward the edge of the bed, and hissed in pain. She looked down at her body again, this time more carefully, and her throat constricted at the sight. She was covered with red marks, and her legs were mottled with an angry rash. She took a moment to stare, trying to think of any other reason for why she had these scratches, anything other than what her conscience was telling her. She bent her knees, raising her legs over the side of the bed, then stopped as the movement revealed a new horror. She ran a hand over the inside of her thigh, wincing at the sting as her fingers traced over welts that had no doubt been left by talons or something equally powerful. Anxiety built within her as she parted her legs enough to check the last and most important place for evidence. Sure enough, the skin there was pepperedwith crimson blotches as well, raw to the touch. She gently pressed a hand over her groin and flinched. There was no doubt left in her mind of what had happened last night. The details might be beyond her now, but this... this was undeniable.

 

"Keelah," she whispered, "what have I done?"

 

Tali lost track of time as she sat there, staring down at her own naked body, the full implications of what she'd done settling into her mind. It was obvious by now that Garrus had left; there wasn't anything but the marks on her body to indicate he'd even been there. Her breathing alternated between even and panicked, then finally settled into a lucidly slow place in an attempt to calm herself. She had to get out of here, that was the most important thing right now. Shepard would be worried and...

 

Shepard.

 

"Shepard," she echoed again, her voice a hoarse whisper. It took every inch of her self control to not cry. She'd betrayed him in the worst possible way, with his best friend of all people. He was the most important person in the galaxy, the lover she didn't deserve, and she'd cheated on him. Cheated on the man she was lucky to have in the first place. She should be tossed into a pit of varren and chewed to pieces for what she'd done. She pulled her knees closer to her face, ignoring the protests of her nerves, and simply hung her head, her eyes closed in a desperate will not to break down.

 

She was still for a long time, unconsciously shivering in the cold morning air. Eventually the pounding in her head forced her to open her eyes again, her body pleading for healing from the abuse she'd put it through the night before. Yes, she needed to get her suit on, get out of here, go home. A home she no longer deserved.

 

She let out a grunt of pain as she slid off the bed and the sheets rubbed against her rashes. She was unsteady on her feet at first, her headache making it hard to find balance, but eventually she was able to stumble around the room and look for the discarded pieces of her suit. Most of it was piled near the door of the bathroom so she slipped it all on, making sure to get all the buckles and zippers right. It was awful enough that she'd had sex with someone other than her boyfriend the night before; she didn't need to go looking the part now too.

 

She checked herself in the bathroom mirror before placing her mask on, fidgeting with her hood a little bit until it was properly settled. She studied her face in the mirror, the glowing white irises of her reflection mocking her. She traced a line of pink along her left cheek; it was most likely a stray scratch, but it was a mark all the same. He'd marked her everywhere, both where it could be seen and where it couldn't. The former would fade away with some medigel, but the latter....

 

She let her hand drop and sighed. She needed to speak with Garrus before anything else, perhaps he'd be willing to keep quiet about it; she couldn't think of a reason why he'd want to make Shepard angry, it'd probably end badly for him, anyway. She was taking the cowardly way out and she knew it, but it was better than hurting Shepard. Infinitely more so. Before she let herself succumb to her own thoughts again, she placed the mask over her face and brushed off her suit slightly, then left the bathroom. She made one last scan of the hotel room, her eyes lingering on the crumpled sheets of the bed, regret slowly churning with despair in the pit of her stomach at the sight, then turned around abruptly to leave. She never wanted to see this place again.

 

\---

 

Engineering was empty when she finally arrived. Shore leave didn't end for another two hours so she assumed the others were taking full advantage of it, which she was grateful for, because she was in no mood to speak with anyone today. Everything was just as she'd left it yesterday evening, though it felt like a lifetime had passed since she'd last been here. She leaned against her console and turned on her omnitool for the first time in hours, finally gathering the courage to check her messages. Eight missed messages from Shepard, among a plethora of others on random subjects, but nothing from Garrus. She hovered her finger over the most recent one from Shepard, sent early this morning, debating whether she wanted to open it. What if he already knew? Would Garrus have told him? She breathed in slowly, trying to curb her growing panic.

 

She was caught by surprise as the door behind her slid open, making her jump and turn quickly. She winced, her head protesting at the sudden movement with a white-hot bolt of pain, and the person who walked in didn't set her at ease either. Shepard was walking briskly toward her with a crooked smile on his face; whether it was the good kind of smile or the bad, she didn't know. For all she knew, he might just be excited to throw her out the airlock. She bit her lip and wrung her hands nervously as he approached closer.

 

He stopped in front of her and stretched his smile into a full one. "You," he murmured, placing one hand on her arm and the other around her waist, pulling her against him. He'd done this dozens of times before, but right how it felt utterly alien. "I can't believe you." She froze. Oh Keelah, he knew. He knew and he was playing with her mind and this was driving her absolutely insane. He was so happy about it too.... She deserved nothing less than mockery and shame, though.

 

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out in her defense. She gaped like a fish for a moment, and was utterly relieved that he could see her face clearly. He interrupted her speechlessness by brushing his lips over the top of her hood, pressing down until she could feel it on her scalp. "Missed you," he said softly, moving the hand on her arm to her own and squeezing their fingers together tightly. She pressed back as well as she could manage. Her mind reeled as she tried to understand what was going on; on one hand he apparently didn't know anything about what had happened the night before, but some of the things he'd just said indicated otherwise. She decided she needed to play it safe and pretend ignorance for now. If by some miracle he didn't know, at least she wouldn't give anything away by her unusual actions.

 

"Me too," she murmured, pressing back against his chest.

 

"So, Garrus tells me you're a lightweight," he said with a teasing lilt, and her heartbeat stopped for a moment. He pressed his lips against her temple once more before pulling away, flashing her a warm smile. "Apparently you were too far gone to bring back here, so he left you in a hotel room?"

 

So that was what he'd told Shepard. A flood of relief came over her at the realization that her secret was safe. Garrus hadn't betrayed her in that aspect, at least. She let out a nervous laugh, turning her gaze down for a moment. "Yeah, brandy doesn't sit well with me," she managed to reply.

 

He laughed, ghosting his fingers over her hand and then clasping it again. "How's the head?"

 

"Not bad. Just a little dizzy."

 

"Well, if you need help with that I have a few hours free today."

 

She paused. What could she possibly say to that? "I, uh, I'm not feeling up to it today. Just kind of -"

 

"I didn't mean it that way," he interrupted, amusement lacing his voice. "Though I'm up for that too, if you are..."

 

"No, I - I mean, I'm tired and my head hurts and..." He furrowed his brow as he looked at her.

 

"Alright, was just offering." He laughed again, lightening the awkward mood. "Though I'm surprised, you never refuse." Even now, the boyish grin on his face sent little sparks down her spine.

 

"I just, I..." She resisted the temptation to wring her hands together, and he simply shook his head.

 

"Tali..." He hushed her, then took both of her hands in his and gripped them tightly. "Listen, Liara wanted to speak with me today, but I do have a few hours off later. Come up if you're feeling like it alright?" His voice was so soothing, so mellow in her ears that she unconsciously pulled closer to him. "And get Chakwas to get you some meds for that hangover." She breathed a laugh, this one a little less forced than before, watching as he brought up their joined hands to leave kisses on her knuckles. "I should go, Donnelly and Daniels will be back soon."

 

She nodded and let him unclasp their hands. "Okay."

 

He flashed her one last smile before turning away to leave, and she watched his retreating form disappear behind the door. Once he was gone, she turned and braced her hands against the console, letting her head hang between her shoulders. She'd never be able to forget what she'd done, but she sure as hell wasn't going to let it happen again. There was only so much of this she could take, and she felt like she was already at the breaking point.

 

\----

 

The rest of the day passed slowly for Tali. She didn't bother to contact Garrus yet; she wasn't ready for that conversation. She tried to get some work done, but her mind kept wandering, enough that Adams told her to take a break after she accidentally misaligned one of the thruster parts, which would have resulted in a spectacular meltdown if EDI hadn't caught it beforehand. She stopped earlier than usual and headed back to her own personal quarters, while ignoring the insistent chiming of her omnitool. She had no doubt it was Shepard, but for now she could pretend that she was asleep. It killed her to ignore him like this, but she was still mentally exhausted from speaking to him earlier, and wasn't ready for round two just yet.

 

She'd been sprawled out on her bed for hours now, but she'd given up on trying to sleep a long time ago. All day her suit had rubbed against the marks and chafes on her legs, making it uncomfortable to stand, let alone walk, and now the irritation wouldn't let her rest. Well, that was what she was telling herself, though deep inside she knew part of it was from the guilt that plagued her mind. The ache in her lower abdomen had just gotten worse as the day went on, and it was probably the most difficult thing to deal with; not only did her muscles feel like they were torn apart, but it constantly reminded her of her mistake.

 

She sighed, then rolled over onto her side in a feeble attempt to find a more comfortable position. The incessant beeping of her omnitool had died down, Shepard had probably figured out she'd gone to bed by now. She glanced over at the holoclock on the wall. It was nearly the middle of the night cycle already, when the ship was quietest. She'd been contemplating going to the medbay all day to get something for the scratches and rashes, but couldn't think of a way to explain them to Chakwas without causing suspicion. The doctor would probably be asleep now, and it was the perfect opportunity to go get the items she needed without having to deal with a confrontation. She pulled herself off the bed and paused for a moment; if she ran into someone things could get problematic, but it would only get worse if her scratches scarred over, or even worse, got infected. She couldn't resist Shepard's advances forever without pushing him away completely, and if he found those marks_... No, she'd have to go right now. There wasn't a choice.

 

She slipped out of her room and into the hallway that ran between the two cargo bays. The lights were dimmed down, making it difficult to see, but she knew by memory where the service stairs were, even though she didn't take them often. She made her way silently up until she reached the crew deck, emerging close to Liara's cabin. Thankfully the lights were turned down here too, which made sense because most of the night crew would be up in the CIC. She made her way across the deck, taking care to not make too much noise or bump into anything, then passed through the med bay doors. Her eyes didn't need to adjust to the darkness, so she wasted no time getting to work on finding what she needed. She hadn't been here for quite a while, not since she'd acclimatized to Shepard's quarters, but she knew the place well enough still. She began her search, making her way through the cabinets and drawers that lined the walls, while trying to make sense of the medical script on the various containers and tubes she came across. Her first priority was medigel to get rid of the marks, then any kind of balm to get soothe the rashes. Those would fade in time though, so she wasn't too worried about that.

 

She eventually found packets of medigel in a drawer full of them, but still hadn't found something for the rashes. She was about to open the last cabinet when she heard the pneumatic hiss of the door opening, making her jump and drop a pair of medical scissors. She froze in place, as light footsteps approached her, and she took some solace in the fact that it definitely wasn't Shepard. The lights came to life above her, revealing a rather tired-looking Chakwas standing near the door. The other woman passed a hand over her face and blinked at her.

 

"Tali, what are you doing here?"

 

"I, uh," she started, as the doctor's gaze fell down to the pouch in her hand.

 

"Are you injured?"

 

"No, I'm fine. Just... just a few cuts." The doctor's brow furrowed a bit, but she nodded, seeming to accept it.

 

"EDI informed me someone was here. Were you looking for something in particular?" Tali paused for a moment, deciding whether it would be safe to bring up the chafing on her legs. She trusted the doctor and her professionalism, but just the thought of someone knowing about what had happened unnerved her. She didn't know if Chakwas' loyalty to Shepard transcended her doctor-patient confidentiality either, so she'd have to be careful.

 

"Just uh, something to get rid of the redness, that's all," she muttered. A worried look came over the doctor's face.

 

"Redness? Are you sure you don't have an infection?"

 

"I'm sure," she replied with a nod, taking a step toward the door. "It's fine, I'm just -"

 

"I think it's best if I take a look. If it's a infected cut, it could put you out for a whole week."

 

There was truth behind her words that Tali couldn't deny. She herself was no doctor, and seeing as she'd taken off her suit in a foreign place, chances for infection were likely. "Okay," she replied with a nod. "But... please don't say anything about it."

 

Chakwas nodded. "Of course. Whatever happens in this room stays between its occupants. Now, take a seat on the bench over there, I'll be over in a minute."

 

Tali complied and watched as the other woman washed her hands and snapped on a pair of gloves. There was no doubt in her mind that she would recognize the marks on her legs, and it made her fidget nervously. She didn't get enough time to second-guess herself and back out before Chakwas approached the medical bench and set down the items in her hand on a tray nearby.

 

"So, where are you hurt?" Tali tapped her legs, and she nodded again. "Remove those sections if you can so I can have a look."

 

She did so, undoing the parts covering her thigh and placing them gingerly beside her, resting her heels on a metal bar below so that her skin wouldn't touch the surface she was sitting on. The doctor examined her thoroughly, carefully hidden expressions flitting over her face that Tali just managed to catch. Yes, she definitely recognized it.

 

She sat in silence as the other woman cleaned up all the cuts on her upper legs, growing more and more embarrassed during every passing second. The disinfecting fluid stung, and she bit her lip to stop herself from making any noise. She was relieved when Chakwas finished, pulling away and dropping a swab onto the tray. "Is there any vaginal tearing?" she asked evenly, betraying not even the slightest indication of judgement in her voice.

 

"No, well, I'm pretty sure." The doctor seemed to accept her answer and pulled off her gloves, walking over to one of the cabinets.

 

"You can get dressed again." Tali fastened the sections of her suit back on as Chakwas approached her, two tubes in hand. "This will help with the chafing," she said as she handed them over, "and this will disinfect the cuts."

 

"Thanks," Tali mumbled, taking both the offered objects.

 

"You're welcome. Be careful."

 

She nodded in reply, then paused. "If you could -" Chakwas held up a hand to stop her.

 

"It's not my place to say, as your physician." Tali let out the breath she'd been holding. "If you need more, just ask."

 

Tali nodded again, then hopped off the bench and took a few steps toward the door."Thank you again," she said.

 

Chakwas merely nodded, then turned away to clean up.

 

Tali left the med bay and walked across the crew deck again, making her way back down the service stairs. Her omnitool pinged with a message when she was halfway down, and she paused to open it. Who was still up this late?

 

She furrowed her brow as she read the name of the sender, then opened it quickly.

 

_"Might want to be a little quieter next time. Come see me tomorrow, it's important. G."_ __

 

She reread the message twice. That was all he had to say to her? She sighed, then pushed it out of her mind; he was probably as nervous and upset as she was. She didn't blame him, not at all. It was bad enough that their friendship had essentially been ruined, but if it ruined their relationships with Shepard... well, she spoke for both of her and Garrus when she said that his trust was more important than anything else. Tomorrow she'd see what he wanted to talk about, get this mistake dealt with and buried in the ground, and try to get on with her life.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Tali had been sitting at the mess hall table for quite some time, focused on the glass of water in her hand. Occasionally she glanced up, her eyes focusing on the door of the main battery as she tried to find the confidence to get up and go inside. She didn't know why he wanted to speak with her; after all, he'd already lied to Shepard and she assumed that he'd keep the peace, but this sudden request was making her doubt that. She'd even asked what was so important earlier this morning, but he hadn't explained further.

 

She needed to stop trying to guess things and just get this over with. She stood up and approached the main battery hesitantly, her hands clinging to the straps of her suit. She paused in front of the door for a moment, then clicked it open. Garrus was standing at his usual station, his fingers tapping away on the keyboard at a rapid pace, his back turned to her as she stopped a few paces away from him.

 

"Garrus?"

 

"Tali," he replied in his usual pleasant tone. HE didn't turn around to face her.

 

"You wanted to see me?"

 

"Mmm. Yes." He was silent for a moment, and she resisted the urge to fidget. "How are you feeling?"

 

She furrowed her brow; he usually wasn't one for niceties and empty questions. "I'm fine." She paused for a beat, then added, "a little bruised, but fine."

 

That made his fingers stop tapping on the console. "Sorry to hear that," he finally replied. "I'm sure Dr. Chakwas can help you out."

 

Tali sighed in exasperation. "She has, and you know that. What did you want to talk about?"

 

He nodded. "Straight to the point, I respect that." He turned his head to glance at her, his face a mask of fluid nonchalance as he finally acknowledged her presence. The carefully orchestrated expression on his face irritated her, even though she had a feeling that was exactly what it was meant to do.

 

"Well?" she prompted.

 

"About the other night..." He looked away, his mandible twitching slightly. "Does Shepard know?"

 

She scoffed and shook her head. "Of course not. I'm not insane." He looked back at his screen, though he didn't seem to be reading anything in particular. "Why?"

 

"No reason." He quirked his head to the side, as if pondering something. "I assume you want to keep it that way." It wasn't a question, by the tone of his voice, just a simple fact.

 

She tilted her head, incredulous. "Don't  _you_? Do you know what he'd do to both of us if he found out?" To her utter surprise he let out a laugh, startling her slightly. "Keelah, what has gotten into you? Shepard trusted us and we broke that trust, and you think it's  _funny_?"

 

The amusement fell off his face in an instant and he held up a hand to stop her. The unreadable mask of emotion cracked a bit, showing his irritation through the set of his jaw. "I know what happened. I was there." He looked up at the speaker suddenly. "EDI, would you mind giving us some privacy?"

 

The AI responded almost immediately. "Turning off all sensors in this room."

 

"Thank you. Ping me if someone's headed this way."

 

"Understood." The intercom buzzed dead above them and he straightened, turning to face her. His posture was rigid, even slightly intimidating, and he spared her one glance before turning away to focus on something across the room.

 

She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, bowing her head slightly. "Look," she began, "I just... I just want to move on, pretend like this never happened. I'm sorry if I was rude, I just -" She stopped abruptly as he looked at her again, studying her in a way that made her wring her hands in nervousness.

 

"I get it. You and Shepard have something special." His voice was friendly and calm, like always, but there was a sparse hint of acidity in his tone. She put the observation aside though, grateful that he understood her predicament even if he mocked her for it.

"Exactly. I... I don't want to ruin it because of one stupid mistake." She glanced down at her hands and then back up at him, briefly catching the hint of softness in his expression, but it was gone just as quickly.

 

He crossed his arms and leaned against the console. "Mistake? Hmm."

 

She paused, confused and slightly alarmed. "It was nothing other than that. You realize that, right?"

 

"Of course." His eyes didn't move from her for a long moment, pinning her in place. The familiar sensation of attraction bubbled within her as she stared back, but she stifled it quickly. "But keeping it a secret... it's not exactly what I had planned to do."

 

"You want to  _tell_  him?"

 

"I don't make a habit of lying to friends. Especially Shepard." The words stung, just as they were meant to.

 

"This is the last thing he needs right now, Garrus. He needs people to support him, not betray him."

 

"Inspiring words," he drawled, "but you've already done it. It's too late now." He flicked his mandible in a taunting gesture, his attention wandering away from her.

 

She took a step forward and dug her nails into her palms. "As did you! You were the one to take advantage of me!"

 

He huffed mockingly and narrowed his eyes imperceptibly. "You were sober enough to know what you were doing and went along with it. It's as much your fault as mine, so don't pretend otherwise." She took a step back, though the set of her shoulders remained stiff. His eyes scanned over the cannons. His voice was quiet when he spoke again. "I know he'll forgive me eventually. He'll be upset, yes, but he'll be glad I was honest. It'll work out." His eyes flitted to her for a moment. "I can't say the same for your relationship with him."

 

Tali swallowed thickly and clenched her jaw. She couldn't deny the truth in what he said, in any of it. It made her realize that really, she didn't have much choice in the matter; it was either watch her relationship crash and burn or beg Garrus to listen to her. The former wasn't an option.

 

"Just one favour, Garrus, that's all I'm asking for."

 

"You're asking me to lie to someone I respect. You would have already told him, in my place."

 

"You don't know that."

 

He gave her a solemn look. "I know you, Tali. You would have."

 

She stared down at the ground, silence stretching between them. She knew that she was asking him to do the impossible; he'd been a complete asshole for the past couple of days, but she owed him for not telling Shepard. She was growing desperate now though, and she was prepared to do whatever it took to get him to keep his mouth shut. Eventually she found the strength to speak.

 

"I'll do anything," she pleaded, her voice wavering. "Please."

 

His head snapped toward her suddenly, his fixed stare studying her with an intensity that made her swallow anxiously. He exuded some kind of emotion, both undisguised yet unreadable, utterly raw and almost painful to see. To her credit, she didn't move a muscle under his scrutiny and stood absolutely still, letting seconds stretch on as she waited for his verdict. Eventually he turned away, and she almost exhaled in relief.

 

"Anything?" he echoed, his voice eerily soft.

 

"If it means you won't tell him, then yes."

 

"Hmm." He straightened himself and turned away, widening the distance between them. He was quiet for a while longer. "Alright. On one condition."

 

"What is it?"

 

"Sex, whenever I ask for it."

 

" _What?"_ Her jaw went slack and her eyes widened.

 

"You heard what I said." The ground seemed to spin for a moment underneath her, as pure disbelief spread through her body. He was a complete and utter lunatic. She hissed in a breath, gritting her teeth and letting her hands clench into fists. "And you'll enjoy it too. Breathe a word of it to anyone and I won't hesitate to tell Shepard that you willingly slept with someone else."

 

"You can't be serious," she choked out. " You want me to sleep with you and cheat on him, just for your own disgusting -" He cut her off with a chilling look, that paralyzed her down to the bone. He was serious. He was dead serious. Her mind deadened bit by bit as that fact sunk in.

 

She swallowed heavily, then closed her eyes in an attempt to control herself, breathing in slowly. She stemmed the wave of nausea that threatened to overwhelm her, then tried to rationalize her thoughts. Garrus' proposition was absolutely horrifying, but the only other alternative would be to lose Shepard, which she simply couldn't do. She could live with this arrangement, if barely, but it kept her secret safe.

 

She examined her fingers as she pressed them together, interlacing them and gripping hard, then tilted her head back up at him. "How long do I have to do this?"

 

He shrugged. "For as long as I like."

 

She clenched the muscles of her jaw and bit down on the inside of her cheek until she could taste blood in her mouth. Anger, fear, and grief boiled up within her, but she quelled it enough to make her decision. "Fine." She pulled her chin up, staring back at him. "I'll do it."

 

He looked back for a moment, then gave a faint nod. "Shepard won't know." And there was her bitter victory, overshadowed by an ugly death sentence. He turned away and walked back to his console, and she could just pick up the sound of a breath escaping his lungs. "I've got work to do," he said quietly.

 

She didn't move, just glared at him with the hope that he would drop dead any second now, but he held his silence. For a long time she stood there, waiting for him to acknowledge her, say he was just joking,  _anything_ but what he had just made her agree to, but he didn't do anything but tap away on the keyboard as if she wasn't even there. This was sealed and done. She bit her tongue, spun on her heel, and left, her ears filled with the sound of shrieking.

 

\----

 

Every step felt heavy as Tali made her way to the elevator, intent on retreating to her quarters and somehow working out the sheer amount of anger pent up within her. She nodded half-heartedly at Liara when she greeted her, and disappeared out of sight before the asari could pin her down for a conversation; she was in no mood to talk about her three favourite topics of discussion right now, which consisted of Shepard, Javik, and the Reapers. She nearly ran into one of the privates in her rush, and didn't bother stopping to reply to his apologies. She rounded the corner, and had nearly made it to her destination when she heard her name called out behind her. Her heart sank at the sound; luck had completely abandoned her today, apparently.

 

She drew in a breath, evening both her temperament and her emotion in one go, then relaxed her body into a more pleasant stance and turned to face him. Shepard and Kaidan were approaching her, the latter focused on a datapad in hand while talking to the former, who had a slight smile plastered on his face and attention fully devoted to her. The corner of her mouth twisted down, despite the effort she was putting in to stifle her reactions.

 

"Shepard," she greeted, making her voice as kind as she could manage.

 

"I was just coming to see you actually, glad I caught you." He stopped in front of her at a comfortable but respectful distance. Kaidan nearly stumbled as he stopped behind him, then looked up at her and nodded.

 

"Tali," Kaidan echoed, then seemed to realize that his chat with Shepard had come to an end and it was his time to leave, if his suddenly enlightened expression was anything to go by. He nodded at the pair of them. "Commander." She missed his presence instantly as he disappeared from sight, and braced herself as Shepard approached her.

 

"You didn't come yesterday," he said in a slightly dejected tone. It was almost enough to break her heart.

 

"I was tired, I'm sorry."

 

He quirked his mouth into a soft half-smile. "I'll forgive you, if you come now." She resisted the urge to sigh. Of course he'd want to spend time with her now, right after she'd signed off her body for someone else's use. She couldn't say no this time though; she'd already used all her excuse cards yesterday. She gave him a hesitant nod.

 

"Okay, but aren't you busy?"

 

"I'll get EDI to clear up my schedule."

 

"Are you sure-"

 

He silenced her with a glance. "Yes. You're not running away this time." He held out a hand to her, and she took it tentatively. He led her into the elevator, pressing the first floor button. "And anyway, I always have time for you." She gave his hand a light squeeze.

 

The loft was messier than she remembered from a few days ago, though that was probably because she hadn't put away the stuff he tended to scatter everywhere. She picked up a uniform shirt near her feet and threw it in the laundry duct as Shepard made his way down the stairs lazily. She followed him shortly after, finding him sprawled across the couch with his head leaned back and eyes closed. She took a moment to simply watch him, since he didn't get much opportunity to take time for himself these days. Although they made a point of forgetting about the war when they spent time together, his cheerfulness had diminished considerably as time wore on; this whole fight was resting on his shoulders, so it wasn't surprising that he was feeling the strain of it all.

 

She approached him quietly, then ran a hand over his forehead. He smiled faintly, then opened his eyes after a moment.

 

"Take the mask off," he murmured, as though he was already half-asleep.

 

"It's a mess in here, I'll catch a virus," she replied, though her voice lacked the teasing lilt it usually would have.

 

"Bullshit." He reached up and took it off himself, placing it in her hand so she could leave it on the coffee table. She turned her face away fairly quickly; though the marks had faded already, she was rather self-conscious about it. "That's better."

 

He sat up abruptly and patted the spot beside him in invitation, which she took. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, his other hand finding hers and lacing their fingers together in the awkward way that they did. She didn't say anything for quite some time, just loosened up enough to press against his side, and he seemed to be okay with that for now.

 

Eventually, as she figured he would, he grew restless. He drummed his thumb along the back of her hand, and she almost smiled at the gesture. "Your mind on something?" she eventually asked.

 

"Nah." He paused. "Well, yeah."

 

"What is it?"

 

He sighed. "Just... this whole war. It's been almost a month and a half since we left Earth and..." He trailed off, seemingly unsure of what to say.

 

"You're tired," she finished for him. "It's been a long journey for you." She caught a smile form on his face in her peripheral vision.

 

"Yes, well... you're here now. That makes it easier."

 

Tali felt like she was going to be physically sick. Her mind ran through the worst insults she could think of toward herself, sinking into a pit of self-deprecation. "Yes," she managed to finally say.

 

He buried his nose in her hood, pulling her even closer to him. "Feeling better than yesterday?"

 

"Much."

 

"Good." His thumb traced circles on her hand, to which she replied by squeezing back. His hand around her shoulders fell to her waist, rubbing the curve back and forth with his fingers. "I love you," he said suddenly, making her freeze. He'd said it before, but hearing it now... it just hurt, after all she'd done. To protect him, she reminded herself, but it was from her own mistake.

 

"Love you too," she mumbled, almost inaudibly. His fingers danced along the buckles near her waist, giving away his intentions. She resisted the urge to bite her lip. The marks Garrus had left were gone now, but she still felt the imprints of them on her skin. She decided it was best to distract him now, maybe it would get his mind off of that topic. "Where are we headed next?"

 

The smile fell off his face, replaced with a more serious expression. "Thessia, actually."

 

She furrowed her brow. "Why?"

 

"There's some kind of artifact there, at least according to the asari Councillor. She says it's worth the trip."

 

"Oh. I guess Liara will be coming with you?"

 

He nodded. "Javik too. We're getting reports that the Reapers are closing in on the planet, so we'll need him."

 

"Makes sense."

 

He quirked a brow at her. "Not jealous?" he teased.

 

Despite herself, she scoffed. "Of course not. You take who you need to take. I'm not that insecure."

 

He laughed. "But you're not above making personal jabs, are you?"

 

He had her there. "No," she replied, a little embarrassed. "I guess not."

 

"Enough of that," he said, the playful look coming back into his eyes. He placed a hand under her chin and made him look up at her, leaving a gentle kiss on her mouth. "I've decided that," another peck, "I need payback for all the frustration you've been putting me through."

 

She forced a laugh, hoping that her smile met her eyes. "Frustration? I haven't been doing anything."

 

He stopped to pretend he was thinking. "Nothing? Yes, of course, you haven't been going about, flaunting -" both his hands came to rest on her hips, pulling her into his lap, "-these."

 

She gave a slight huff of amusement that didn't quite come off right, as she moved into a more comfortable position. "Oh?"

 

He hummed his agreement, his eyes reflecting both longing and genuine joy. She tried her best to ignore it, distracting herself by placing her hands against his chest as he trailed his hands up and down her waist, pulling her a little closer. She managed to give him a small half-smile, the one he liked most, as his fingers worked at the little zippers on her suit. She froze when he brushed the skin underneath, biting her lip to hide her discomfort. He didn't seem to notice though, as he pressed his mouth against hers, his tongue pressing gently against the seal of her lips. She parted them slightly, letting him enter and explore her mouth, flicking his tongue against hers in a slow dance that she tried her best to match.

 

His fingers kept working on removing her clothing as she rubbed light circles on his chest, not quite reciprocating his ministrations but attempting to make a good show of it. He managed to undo the upper parts and tossed them aside, and wasted no time to pepper her bare skin with soft kisses. His hands came to massage her breasts, his fingers flicking over the nipples lightly, but the gestures were too familiar, as Garrus had done similar things to her just two days before. He pulled away and looked over her sprawled form, and she heard her heart pounding in her ears as she held her breath, hoping to whatever deities existed that she hadn't missed healing any marks. Apparently he didn't, as he leaned forward and took one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking gently pressing his teeth lightly into her flesh. She had to fight to keep herself from jerking away from him; Garrus had done the exact same thing. Shepard gazed up at her and seemed to notice her discomfort, the beginnings of confusion coming over him, before she let out a soft sigh to stem it. By some miracle, he actually bought it. She felt awful for deceiving him like this, when all he wanted to do was pleasure her, but she still had wounds that weren't quite healed.

 

She relaxed a little when he let go of her breasts, instead coming up to brush his lips against hers softly. With her eyes closed she could let herself go and get lost in his gentle caresses, so different and careful than the harsh, frantic strokes Garrus had scarred her with. Shepard's hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her to him, twisting and laying her down beneath him, his legs on either side of her. He kissed the hollow of her neck softly, then pulled away and smoothed the hair from her face. He cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her lower lip, taking a moment to memorize her.

 

"I'm so lucky to have you," he murmured. She gave him a weak smile in return, the best that she could muster. She trailed her hands down his torso, feeling the hard lines of muscles under the fabric of his uniform; it was all that she could manage to do. She wanted to enjoy this, give back as much as he was giving to her, but every time she touched him she couldn't help but feel disgusted with herself.

 

His fingers danced along the bare skin of her midriff, dipping under the hem of her leggings every so often. He began to inch them down over her hips, his hands leaving warm trails wherever they lingered, until he'd gotten them down to her knees. He drew a path of kisses from her mouth to her waist, occasionally licking at her skin, leaving pink trails as her skin flushed under his ministrations. Her mind might have been occupied with belittling herself, but her body was responding to his strokes and kisses, heat burning between her legs. He pulled her leggings off in one smooth motion and his hands immediately went to her thighs, rubbing them and pinching the flesh lightly. He crawled off her for a moment and stripped quickly, and before she had time to even say anything he straddled her again, his hands roaming her body slowly but eagerly.

 

She traced circles on his back as he pressed up against her, delicious friction between them that even she appreciated, one of his hands trailing between them to rest at the junction of her legs. Unconsciously she held her breath as his finger dipped into her smoothly, testing her opening. She panicked for a moment; would he be able to tell she had had sex recently? She put aside the silly thought immediately, because there was no way he'd be able to tell if there was a difference, assuming it was there at all. He pulled the finger out and then dipped it back in, this time curling his finger into the bundle of nerves that lay just inside. The sensation shot through her, making her gasp in pleasure. She was losing herself, she thought, losing herself in his touch just as she had with Garrus, and that troubled her. A grin spread over his face and he traced little circles inside her, making her hips thrust into his, but she was careful with the noises she made now. The wetness between her legs had increased twofold from his teasing already, and despite her inhibitions, she felt herself sink into the familiar embrace of velvet pleasure.

 

He thrust his fingers inside of her a few times, then pulled them out and wrapped her legs around his hips, positioning himself over her entrance. He kissed her gently before pushing the tip into her opening, stretching it lightly, then slowly making his way in until he was in up to the hilt. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, letting out a soft sigh as her walls tightened around him. "I love you," he murmured again, and this time she felt no panic or nervousness. When he was within her he completed her, elevated her far past the reaches of her imagination. This was why she couldn't let go of him, or let him know that she'd betrayed him, because he was beyond anything she could ever ask for in a man. She had to make a conscious effort keep control of her emotions, as he filled her in a way that no one else ever could. He drew back out slowly, until just the head remained within her, then pushed back in with one fluid motion, sending waves of pleasure spreading through her body. "Look at me," he whispered. "I want to see you."

 

She'd kept her eyes squeezed shut to hold back any tears, but now she opened them slowly, hoping that he wouldn't notice the sheen of moisture in them. If he did he didn't say anything about it, just simply gazed back at her as he set a lucid, slow pace that hit nerves in her body that she had forgotten she had. He brought her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair as he kept moving, languidly but with just the right amount of force. Keelah, she loved him so much. More than her family, the fleet, her friends; there were no words to describe how far it went. Feeling him inside her always brought back their dependence on each other with pure clarity, but this time it held a bite to it. One day she'd tell him the truth, she promised herself. One day.

 

They rose to their peaks at a slow, burning pace, each of his thrusts sending them higher, pushing them closer to ecstasy. They didn't dare look away, watching the lust in each other's eyes burn into vapours of ecstasy that engulfed and surrounded them, sending them over the edge in each other's arms. She sighed her release into his shoulder, clenching around him tightly, her body refusing to let him go, and he followed her with a muffled groan. It was quiet, but it was them, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Both of them exhausted, he took a moment to ease himself onto her, careful not to crush her under his weight, and rolled them over, letting their bodies touch across every inch of bare skin. They didn't move for a long while, as she listened to his heartbeat in silence. He was taking his time to come back to reality, but she had already been jerked back to it. Shame flushed her skin and replacing the euphoria from a moment before, for she had enjoyed that, let herself go when she had no right to. It filled her head and took hold of her heart, sending chills down her spine even though he was so warm against her. Shepard was relaxing and drifting off underneath her, but she couldn't follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh, so much smut. I feel gross for writing two scenes within three chapters lol.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a few hours into the night cycle when Tali finally pulled away from the screen and flexed her fingers; she had been working for hours now and they'd gone stiff in the cold air. She checked over her shoulder to see where the others were, and realized that Donnelly and Adams had already packed up, leaving just her and Gabby. She saved the repair data she had spent most of her day on and powered down the console, then picked up her omnitool off the desktop.

 

"On your way out miss?" Gabby asked, looking up at her with a kind smile. Tali nodded, as she fixed the bracelet around her wrist.

 

"I've had enough for today, I think."

 

"Enjoy the rest of your day, then."

 

"I will," she paused, then added with a grumble, "whatever's left of it anyway." Gabby's laugh echoed softly behind her as she left the room to pause in the hallway, her gaze floating absently over to the cargo hold as she tried to figure out what to do. She hadn't had much free time lately, mostly because she tried to avoid it as much as possible to keep disparaging thoughts out of her mind. She'd been on this emotional rollercoaster for nearly three days now, and the side effects were just starting to settle in. She supposed she could go find someone to talk to, but she wasn't quite in the mood for socializing at the moment, and all the chores she used to do had been taken over by Traynor. Well, all except for tidying up the mess Shepard always left in the loft, but she'd already done that this morning. Going back to her own quarters was out of the question, as she'd spent too much time brooding in there and it didn't feel comfortable anymore. She entertained the thought of visiting the observation decks; Kaidan had taken over the starboard one, but perhaps the lounge would be empty at this hour. She had always loved staring out at the stars as a child, and even now they gave her a sense of peace that was hard to find these days.

 

She made her way to the crew deck, and managed to not run into anyone, to her relief. She considered knocking on the door beforehand, but decided against it and opened it without another thought. She regretted her decision immediately as she recognized both Shepard and Liara sitting on the couches across from each other; the former seemed rather concerned and the latter looked like she was ready to break down any moment now. At first, she didn't understand why Liara was losing her composure like this, until she suddenly remembered her conversation with Shepard the night before and remembered where they were heading tomorrow. She winced internally; no wonder the poor woman was a mess.

 

They both looked up at her as she stood in the doorway, her body language conveying her embarrassment. "I'm sorry," Tali started, beginning to backpedal, "I didn't know anyone was here, I'll just -" She stopped when Shepard shook his head lightly, then gestured for her to come closer. Liara's eyes had flickered away to focus on the bottom of the mug she was cradling on her hands, so she took that as approval to enter. Still, she was hesitant as she walked over to them, gingerly sitting beside Shepard. Liara looked up again and gave her a weak smile, then took a sip from what must have been tea. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

 

"Not at all, we were just talking about tomorrow's mission," Shepard said, leaning back into the cushions and relaxing slightly. She glanced at Liara, whose thoughts seemed to be a mile away.

 

"I'm sorry about Thessia," Tali said softly, pressing her hand against Liara's arm.

 

The asari shook her head. "I'm not sure what it's going to be like. Whether everything's..." she trailed off, taking in a deep breath, and Tali's heart went out to her. All of her friends were losing their homes, and here she was the odd one out, the one who had something to come back to still.

 

"We'll take it back." Shepard said, giving Liara a comforting look. She nodded absently in reply, not quite believing.

 

After a moment, Liara looked at Tali over the rim of her mug. "Are you coming with us tomorrow?"

 

Tali shook her head. "Javik is, I think." Liara's nose crinkled distastefully at that, and she fought the urge to laugh, despite the grim atmosphere.

 

"We'll need the extra biotics," Shepard added, resting his hand on Tali's knee. "Reports aren't... looking good."

 

Liara stilled at this. "What exactly did the asari councillor tell you?"

 

He shrugged. "All I know is that we're picking up an artifact at a temple, Athame, I think she called it. The councillor was vague."

 

Liara hummed in curiosity, and Tali took the moment to look at Shepard, her head tilted in a question.  _How are you?,_ she asked silently, and he replied with a half-hearted quirk of his mouth.  _Alive_ , was his response. She patted his hand lightly, then pulled away when she noticed Liara was watching them. If she wasn't wearing the mask she might have given the asari a sheepish smile in way of apology, but had to settle with lowering her head slightly.

 

"There's nothing of real value there, if I remember right," Liara said, pretending like she hadn't seen the moment between them. "Just ancient asari relics. So why..." she trailed off, getting lost in her own thoughts again.

 

"Well," Shepard said with a contemplative nod, "whatever it is, I'm sure she wouldn't send us there for no reason."

 

Silence hung over them for a moment, as Shepard and Tali watched Liara carefully. Eventually, she spoke again in a rather soft voice. "Did Kaidan speak with you already?"

 

Shepard quirked a brow, somewhat surprised. "He did. You shouldn't worry about it."

 

"I am though." She sighed and her lips twisted into a small frown. "He has a point, I might not be in the best condition to go on a mission right now, and I don't want to endanger -"

 

He cut her off with a gesture of his hand. "Just stay focused, and it'll be fine."

 

"But -"

 

"You'll be  _fine._ "

 

After a moment, she nodded. "I'm sorry, it's just... Thessia is my home," she finished weakly.

 

"I know." Shepard's voice was gentle. "You need to be there, I get that. And soon, we'll take it back."

 

"You're right. If anyone can do this, it's you." The edge in her voice was not lost on Tali, who regarded her carefully; Liara was a creature of subtlety, after all, and her motives were hidden in the details. The tone of her voice was the same one she used when talking about their commander on the original Normandy, the one that was a cocktail of admiration, smugness, and infatuation that used to drive Tali insane. She wasn't a jealous woman by nature, far from it, but Liara had a tendency of reminding her that  _she_ had been Shepard's lover once, even though the situation had clearly changed. She wasn't above making passes at him either apparently, if her constant appearances in his cabin were anything to go by.

 

Shepard didn't seem to notice the edge in her voice, as he let out a weak laugh. "That's the plan. We're getting close to the final stretch."

 

"Do you think so?" Liara asked softly. Tali resisted the urge to grit her teeth; a year ago she would have said that asari were just naturally flirtatious and that it wasn't Liara's fault, but she knew better now. She decided to give Liara benefit of the doubt this time, blaming her behaviour on the distressing situation she was in.

 

"All we need now is the Catalyst, and I have a good feeling we'll find it here." He smiled, genuinely this time, giving them both a sense of hope that only Shepard could inspire. "I know we will."

 

His words hung in the air, and Tali marvelled, not for the first time, how he always succeeded to motivate others, even in the most desperate of times. It had been one of the things that attracted her to him, his capability to wield words as a weapon; she'd seen solid proof of that on Rannoch. In their quiet moments he admitted to not being a people person, for choosing the forceful way out sometimes that could potentially harm people, but she had reassured him that when it mattered most, he always chose what was right. He may have held doubts about his abilities, but she certainly didn't.

 

It was Liara who broke the comfortable silence between them again, this time addressing Tali. "Are you alright? You haven't spoken much."

 

Tali jerked back to reality and blinked at her. "Oh, I'm fine." Liara's eyebrows drew together a tiny bit, so she elaborated further. "Just didn't get enough sleep last night, that's all."

 

In her peripheral vision, she caught the playful quirk of Shepard's eyebrow, asking a silent and very inappropriate question that she would have preferred to not answer right now. Liara didn't seem to notice though. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Though I assume you won't be getting much sleep tonight either."

 

Tali blinked even more rapidly, clearly taken aback. She couldn't figure out if Liara was simply playing along with Shepard's insinuations or was asking a different question entirely. "What?"

 

"Weren't you helping Garrus tonight?"

 

Within the span of a second, the blood froze in Tali's veins. She stared at Liara motionlessly, trying to wrap her head around what she had just said. She had no idea what the other woman was talking about, but the best conclusion she could come to was that Garrus wanted to see her tonight. But no, this wasn't the place to show weakness; Liara would pick up on any emotion her body betrayed within a moment. She inhaled shallowly and managed to regain her composure, and just in time, as Shepard straightened up beside her and looked over at her.

 

"I forgot to mention, Garrus wanted your help with the guns today or tomorrow, whenever you had time. I don't know the details -"

 

"You mean you don't remember them," Liara interjected with an amused huff. He chuckled at that too, but Tali didn't dare open her mouth.

 

"Yeah, it's something complicated and he just told me to pass the message along."

 

Somewhere beneath the numbness of her exterior, Tali's blood screamed in her ears. "Hmm. Okay." She turned her head away to focus on the lights dancing across the bar. "I'll talk to him tomorrow about it."

 

She could hear, more so than see the smile on Shepard's face. "Sounds good." He turned to Liara then. "Are you alright now?"

 

Out of the corner of her eye, Tali could see Liara nod. "Yes, thank you for everything, Shepard." There was that tone again in her voice; between Garrus and Liara, she was going to go insane from pure anger.

 

Shepard rested a hand on her shoulder, drawing her gaze up to his. "Come see me tomorrow before I leave," he said quietly. Tali didn't trust her own voice, and simply nodded in reply. "I should go, then." He nodded at Liara, squeezed her own shoulder, and headed towards the door. She could feel Liara's stare burning into the side of her head as she watched him leave, the shreds of her heart going with him.

 

She didn't get time to put herself back together this time, for the moment the doors closed, Liara was on her. "Are you alright?" she asked in a gentle voice. Tali turned abruptly to face her, but Liara seemed nothing but concerned for her own well being. What she didn't know was if the other woman was being genuine, or simply lulling her into a false sense of security. Either way, the question caught her off-guard.

 

"I'm fine." She paused, then added, "why do you ask?"

 

"You seemed a little flustered there, that's all." She turned down her blue eyes into the mug she was still holding in her hands, though the liquid had clearly gone cold. "I wasn't sure if something had happened between you two."

 

Tali knit her brow, rather confused. How had Liara come to that conclusion? She fleetingly thought that perhaps Liara was looking for a gap in their relationship, and really, it came as no surprise that she wanted to be the first to know if there were problems. "No, not at all." She couldn't keep the sliver of venom out of her voice. "He just needs my support right now, he's feeling the pressure of this war." Liara studied her intently for a moment, then nodded and looked away.

 

"I understand how he feels."  _And what, I don't?_ , Tali wanted to reply with. "First Earth, then Palaven, and now Thessia..." Liara's voice nearly cracked on the last word, just as Tali felt the slow burn of anger in her bloodstream spike. Was it really that unbelievable that the asari could be impacted by the war as well? She was hard-pressed to find sympathy for Garrus these days, but the man had seen dozens of his friends and colleagues die to the Reapers already, and as far as she knew, Liara hadn't gone through anything like that. And yet she seemed to be more of an emotional mess than everyone else who had lost family, friends, and homes to this war already.

 

Tali forcefully pushed the thought aside. It wasn't her place to snipe about Liara's psychological tendencies, when her largest fear would be someone doing the same to her. She bowed her head slightly in a gesture of respect, despite the fact that she didn't have much of it right now. "If anyone can save Thessia, its Shepard," she consoled, hesitating for a moment before patting her arm. Liara gave her a weak smile that held a kind of sad innocence, which made Tali feel a little bad about her earlier thoughts.

 

"I know. I trust him, we all have to. It's just... difficult."

 

"I understand." In all honesty though, she didn't. Perhaps it was the fact that she hadn't experienced the loss of a homeworld, when instead she'd gone through the exact opposite, or perhaps it was because Liara seemed to be hit so much harder than everyone else. Whatever it was, she hoped her empty words were convincing enough for now.

 

Silence stretched between them then, as Tali pulled away and folded her hands in her lap. Liara was lost in her thoughts once again, in some far-off place that Tali tried so desperately hard to stay away from, for in the span of three days, her conscience had become her worst enemy.

 

"I should let you go," Liara said suddenly, looking up at Tali again with unnerving severity that made her want to fidget.

 

Personally, she wanted to jump on the opportunity, but she didn't want to be rude. "Will you be okay?"

 

The other woman nodded. "I'll be fine. I'm leaving soon anyway."

 

Tali squeezed her hand in one last comforting gesture, then rose. She had just turned away to leave when she felt a hand latch around her wrist, stopping her. She spun around in surprise, almost too quickly.

 

"Wait," Liara said, looking up at her. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here." The words were said kindly, but there was something in her eyes, something that sent bolts of ice up Tali's spine until she finally realized it. There was a kind of vigilance in them, hints of knowledge crackling underneath the light blue irises and it hit her exactly  _what_ Liara knew, and Tali cursed herself for not thinking about it before. Keelah, the woman was the Shadow Broker, after all, it wouldn't be beyond her ability to rig the entire ship with bugs, of  _course_  she would know by now. Her skin felt numb as she registered this, understood the implications of it and what it could mean for her relationship with Shepard. She nearly opened her mouth to beg her not to tell him, to keep quiet about it, but she clamped it shut the moment she realized what she was doing. On the odd chance that Liara actually didn't know, she couldn't just blurt it out like that. No, there was no way she could confirm her own suspicions, but the look in her eyes gave away enough.

 

Panic was seeping into her mind slowly, but she had to pull herself out. She'd already spent too long staring at Liara, if the way her grip was loosening was any indication. She breathed in deeply, stuffing the panic and fear into some dark corner of her mind and bringing herself back to the present. "It's appreciated, Liara, but I think others, including you, will need that more than me right now."

 

Liara didn't reply as she let go of her wrist, a decidedly fake smile making its way across her face. It was disconcerting, so Tali turned away towards the door. "Thank you," Liara said finally. "For everything." She didn't know if there was a double meaning to those words or not, and honestly, Tali didn't want to know. She simply nodded and made her way out, though every step was heavy as she felt Liara's stare burn into the back of her skull.

 

She breathed a sigh of relief as the doors hiss shut behind her, muttering curses under her breath in every Quarian dialect she could think of. She was completely exhausted from that brief encounter, though she dreaded sleeping on her own. Crawling into bed with Shepard was out of the question; he had work to do tomorrow and after waking up this morning with a bitter taste in her mouth from what she'd done the night before, she wasn't too keen on visiting him again, even if it meant a good night's rest. No, she thought, she'd have to go back to her own room and attempt to sleep for a couple of hours, if the ghosts of her misdeeds decided not to haunt her too much.

 

\----

 

Imaginary shadows danced on the ceiling above, as her head pounded from trying to force herself to sleep. Her mind was a complete blank, which was probably not a good thing but most likely a side effect from everything she'd been through. For a moment she almost pitied herself, until she realized that it was her own damn fault for being in this situation, and within an instant that pity was replaced with hatred. She'd become nothing, she realized, nothing but a vessel of disappointment because she couldn't control her alcohol intake. Sometimes, she thought, it was too easy to ruin your own life.

 

The chime of her omnitool suddenly echoed through the room. She breathed in, pushing aside all the thoughts floating around in her head, and reached for the bracelet to snap it around her wrist. She powered it on quickly and checked her messages. Her heart almost gave out on her as she read the sender's name. She could hear pounding in her ears as she stared at the name, then finally mustered the confidence to push the icon.

 

_"I was serious about what I said to Shepard. Come see me after he leaves tomorrow. G."_

 

And just like that, she gave up on whatever pathetic hope she had for getting some sleep tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

Tali leaned against the desk, fiddling with the edge of Shepard's armguards as she waited. The place was littered with reports, datapads, and empty coffee cups; he'd been under a lot of stress clearly, more than he needed. The man in question was standing a few paces away, pieces of his armour scattered across the floor and the desk, dressing quickly. She heard the distinctive zip of his undersuit, and she drew her attention to the clock nearby; he had just over thirty minutes until he had to be down in the shuttle bay.

 

She watched, mildly interested, as he fixed the armour onto his body, snapping each piece in place fluidly. He didn't notice her gaze on him for a long time, until he looked over at her first, then past her.

 

"Pass me the shoulders, will you?"

 

"Sure."

 

She picked them out and handed them over, then watched as he snapped those in place. His fingers stumbled with the catch on the back, so she automatically reached out and pushed it in for him, but immediately regretted doing so a moment later as a wave of dizziness came over her. It was the stims again, which did a great job of keeping her awake but always messed with her balance. She pressed two fingers against her temple for a moment, and pulled them away as soon as she realized what she was doing; if Shepard saw he would worry, but he'd already noticed, if the concerned look on his face was anything to go by.

 

"You alright?"

 

She gave him a weak smile and shook her head. "Just the stims, it's nothing important." His expression didn't change.

 

"Stims?" She looked away, but didn't answer. He paused and took a step closer. "You mentioned you weren't sleeping. Something wrong?"

 

She looked back up at him and shook her head again, relaxing her face into a more consoling expression. "Just stress, I think."

 

He fixed her with a look that told her that he didn't buy it, but he had the good grace to drop the subject. Well, mostly. "Well, you know where I am if you need me."

 

She nodded, turning away. "I know."

 

He went back to putting his things on, and for a while she was satisfied to just listen to the staccato clicking of his armour, until he reached a hand out in her direction. "Need those," he said, gesturing towards the pieces in her hands. She brought them over and he held out his arms, so she fixed them on for him. "Thanks." He looked like he was about to turn away, before he paused and brought his hand up to her face, running his thumb along her cheekbone in a gesture of affection. She smiled, genuinely this time, and it seemed to lighten his uneasy mood a little.

 

"Was Liara okay after I left last night?" he said lightly as he pulled on his gloves. Tali paused mid-step as residual emotions from the night before crept along the edges of her mind, but she managed to inhale and push them back in an attempt to keep herself stable.

 

"Yes, I think so."

 

He glanced at her over his shoulder again. "Sorry you had to see that."

 

"It's alright, I should have knocked."

 

He sighed. "Yeah, she's been... taking it pretty hard."

 

"Mhm."

 

They were both silent as he fixed his omnitool around his wrist, bringing the interface up briefly to make sure it was working properly. After a moment, he looked back up at her. "It can't be easy, losing your home like that." Tali didn't know how to reply; she could sympathize with Liara, sure, but she couldn't relate. He seemed to notice her hesitation as he approached her quietly and leaned against the desk beside her. They both watched his rather large collection of fish swim lazily in circles around the tank, until he spoke again. "I don't really know what she's going through either. Didn't exactly have a home growing up."

 

She looked over at him, but he didn't seem to notice. There was something in his expression, a kind of wistfulness she wasn't used to seeing on his face. "Doesn't growing up on a ship count as home?"

 

He shrugged. "I guess, but we were always moving from one place to another, just never got attached." With that, she couldn't relate. She'd spent her entire childhood on the Rayya and still had a rather strong attachment to it, even though she had few connections there since her father's death.

 

"It makes sense, I guess."

 

"Mmm, well. At least it gives us something in common."

 

She laughed faintly. "Other than killing Reapers for a hobby?"

 

He echoed her laugh, taking one of her hands in his own. "Dinner dates are overrated." He grew serious then, studying her gloved fingers intently. "It'd be nice to make a home someday," he said quietly, as if speaking to himself.

 

She started. "What?"

 

He shrugged again, head tilting to the side as he looked up at her briefly. "You know, when all this is over. Find out what the fuss is about with having a place to come back to."

 

She had to swallow the painful lump that had swelled in her throat. She didn't deserve him, not anymore, not after what she'd done to him. The pressure of all this was breaking her, cracking her sanity in ways she had never imagined; she almost wanted to confess everything right now and plead for his forgiveness, but instead she sucked in a long breath and hid the feelings away.

 

"Maybe," she finally answered.

 

He squeezed her hand tightly, then looked past her to check the time. "Time to go," he murmured, leaning forward to leave a chaste kiss on her lips. She closed her eyes, and just for a moment she pretended that everything was okay, just until he pulled away. It was over too soon.

 

"Be careful," she said, as he pulled away and let go of her hand.

 

He gave her a wry grin. "I'll try."

 

She watched as he picked up his helmet and made his way to the door, sparing one last glance for her before disappearing from view. She stared after him, then let her chin drop to her chest. She studied the floor for a little while, but she didn't see it, not really. She was too preoccupied with mulling over what Liara had said the night before. The memory of the look in her eyes just wouldn't leave Tali; it plagued her incessantly, just like Garrus' last words to her. Both these people, combined with her blatant lying to Shepard, were going to make her clinically insane, one way or another.

 

She still couldn't understand _how_ Liara had found out. It made sense for her to have agents in public places like Purgatory, but she doubted anyone would notice the two of them in a crowd of dozens. Perhaps she'd rigged the main battery? No, that couldn't be it. Her personal opinions of Garrus aside, he was a capable tech, and he would know if there were bugs in the room. After all, this was as much his secret as hers, so of course he'd make sure no one was spying for his own selfish, disgusting intentions. Her mind drifted to other events in the past few days, coming to rest on her encounter with Chakwas in the med bay. She briefly considered that, then dismissed it; Chakwas had given her word not to speak of it, and Tali highly doubted that EDI would let Liara put surveillance in there. She was almost beginning to believe that she had imagined it all, but when the image came back to mind, any semblance of doubt was blown away. Liara knew, and there was no refuting that. It was _what_ she knew that was the problem.

 

She sighed, pushed away from the desk and made her way down the steps, gingerly sitting down on the edge of the bed. Shepard hadn't made the sheets before he left, so she tangled her fingers into the cloth, mussing them further. His scent lingered on them, sharp yet warm, and she suddenly wished she could curl up in his bed, drift off to sleep and pretend like she didn't have to let another man use her body.

 

Instead, she drew in another breath and cradled her head in her hands. She had maybe another fifteen minutes for leeway before she had to leave, and she hoped desperately that they would never end. She tried to suppress the dread that had been building ever since she'd received Garrus' message; no, that had been building ever since he had given her this ultimatum, but it was reaching a slow crescendo, the climax of which she couldn't guess.

 

Seconds ticked by. She spent most of it simply breathing, as it was all she could do these days to keep herself under control. Thane would be proud of her control, she bitterly thought, maybe even Samara. She'd once envied them for their phenomenal self-discipline, and now she found herself testing her resolve in ways that even they might have cracked under.

 

She checked her omnitool after a few more minutes; her time was up. She rose wearily, made her way up the stairs back up to Shepard's desk and picked up her mask, then clicked it in place. She headed towards the door, her footsteps growing heavier with each step. She stopped when she reached it, then turned and looked over the room again, empty but still full of Shepard's presence. She sighed, then turned on her heel and left.

 

\-----

 

At first, she thought the main battery was empty. Garrus wasn't at his usual post by his console, and the lights were dimmed down considerably, making it hard to see if there was anyone in the room. A small glimmer of hope grew within her, that maybe he was tied up in work somewhere else and had forgotten all about this, but she immediately squashed that thought out. He wasn't a fool, far from it, and he'd be here on time when he asked her to be here. She just had to look harder.

 

She took a step forward into the room, letting the door close behind her. There was movement from the right corner which she hadn't been able to see from the doorway, and she was able to make out the outline of Garrus' form in the low light. He was working at the weapon bench, the lamp giving him a strange glow, and she nearly shook her head at her own stupidity for missing him.

 

There was the clang of metal against metal as he presumably set his gun down, and turned to face her. The smell of cleaning fluid entered her helmet, and she wrinkled her nose in distaste at the sharp smell. She tilted her head slightly in his direction, acknowledging his presence but showing her repulsion in that little action. He either didn't notice or chose not to react to it, as he picked up a rag and what looked like a pair of gloves.

 

"There you are," he said lightly. "I'd almost thought you'd forgotten." There was amusement in his tone, and Tali almost felt sick. Did he really find this _funny_?

 

"No," she replied curtly.

 

He approached her slowly then, tucking his gloves under his elbow and wiping his hands on the rag. She watched him intently, daring him to come closer, which made his mandibles flick slightly; she had no idea what that meant.

 

"Sorry about the smell," he said somewhat sheepishly, flaring his mandibles in a grin. "Got brute blood all over my rifle on Rannoch, makes it a liiiittle hard to see through the scope." She turned her head away, but didn't reply. He kept continuing though, as if he didn't notice. "Though I guess your shotgun can't be in much better shape."

 

She swallowed her anger, but some of it still seeped into her voice. "No, it isn't."

 

This made him take pause, then look down to inspect his hands. She turned her head a little to watch him as he pulled on his gloves. His eyes came up suddenly to look at her, catching her off-guard and pinning her with his stare. She froze, unable to blink or move away, and something tingled along her spine. Whether it was fear, or some other emotion she'd rather not admit feeling, she didn't know. He looked away eventually, and let out a quiet sigh.

 

"If you want to make this difficult for yourself, then that's your choice," he said softly, his voice laced with a trace of danger that sent a brief, terrifying kind of panic through her. Her head snapped towards him automatically, her eyes narrowing in a fiery glare.

 

"Oh, it's supposed to be _easy_?" she snarled. He looked up at her, fixing her in place with a stare that felt like ice cold water over her skin, giving her the answer she asked for. The sheer rigidness in his blue irises harshly reminded her that he was from a species of apex predators, and he had the natural weapons to hurt her if he so chose. Once, she would have never even imagined that he would purposely hurt her, but circumstances had changed now, and drastically so.

 

He didn't look away for a good minute, then suddenly tilted his head in the direction of a door along the far wall. Her windpipe constricted. "Come on," he said, turning away. She kept her jaw clenched tightly, then followed him hesitantly, the muscles of her legs resisting every step. It almost physically hurt her to be in his presence, to follow him into what she assumed were his personal quarters and give herself over to his whims.

 

He held the door open for her, and she shot him a glare before going in. The gunnery officer's quarters looked identical to those of her own, except his was sparsely decorated, with only a bed along one wall and a closet adjacent to it; everything was tidy and plain, as if no one actually lived in here. She was pulled out of her observations as she heard the door close behind her and footsteps approaching, but she didn't turn around. The fear and defiance she had felt just moments before was melting into despair that took hold of her, and the feelings from that morning where she had woken up alone in a hotel room, abandoned by Garrus, came flooding back and threatened to overwhelm her. He must have noticed the slight sag of her shoulders, as he paused mid-step. But this wasn't the time to show weakness, and not in his company. She took in a deep breath and straightened again, turning to face him.

 

"Before anything, I need to speak with you," she said, her voice perfectly even. His eyeplates rose slightly, but he didn't reply. "How did Liara find out?"

 

Confusion came over his face. "What?"

 

She tightened the muscles in her jaw for a moment before speaking again. "She knows. She didn't say it, but she... implied it."

 

He looked away, thinking. "She can't have solid proof, there's no way."

 

"How do you know?"

 

He glanced at her. "I know." She gritted her teeth at his rude dismissal, but pushed it aside. "How could she..."

 

"That's what I'd like to know too."

 

He shook his head slightly. "I'll look into it."

 

She didn't reply, simply stood there as tense silence fell over them. A minute passed by, then another, as she waited for him to make his move, but he did nothing. She chanced a look in his direction and found him staring at the far wall, lost in some kind of thought she wasn't privy to. Not for the first time in this encounter, Tali became nervous, not knowing what to do with herself and ignorant of his intentions. Her eyes flickered toward the door; she could probably make it there if she ran, but that was childish and pointless, and he'd probably catch her before she could leave the main battery.

 

He must have noticed her discomfort as he looked up at her again, then took a deliberate step closer. She almost flinched. There was only about two metres between them, and her nervousness was beginning to get to her as she fidgeted with her fingers. Eventually, he spoke, the reverb in his voice curiously subdued and some kind of emotion flickering over his face. "The mask."

 

She looked at him incredulously. "I'll get sick."

 

He didn't so much as twitch. "You'll adapt."

 

Her face contorted into an expression of disgust. "And EDI?"

 

He scoffed, shaking his head lightly. "I know a thing or two about tech. She can't access this room."

 

She couldn't think of anything else that could serve as an excuse, and resigned herself to obeying his order. Her hand came up to the mask and clicked it off, letting it drop down to her side afterward. She closed her eyes and breathed in the air that would no doubt make her sick tomorrow morning. How she would explain that to Shepard, she had no idea. The only sound that reached her ears was her own breathing. She waited for him to do something, anything, to stop this guessing game that he apparently wanted to play, so she could get this over with and go nurse her wounds alone.

 

When she opened her eyes again she found that he was still staring at her with a kind of intensity that sent pinpricks of discomfort along her body. She met his gaze briefly, and though his face was blank, she realized that he was hesitating for some reason, as if he was waiting for something. He must have noticed she had realized that, because instantly he clenched his mandibles close to his face and seemed to steel himself.

 

"Undress."

 

She didn't refute him this time, simply complied as she tried to breathe steadily and keep her composure. She removed her suit slowly, her fingers shaking on each buckle and zipper, placing everything in a neat pile by her feet. She couldn't meet his eyes, too ashamed to glance away from the floor. The room was cold and nipped at her skin, but it did nothing to alleviate the painful burning she felt from his gaze as he watched her bare herself for him.

 

When she finished she breathed in, finding enough confidence in the deepest corners of her mind to straighten and look him in the eye, betraying no hint of weakness. He didn't blink either, just took another step closer to her. His eyes drifted down her body, his face completely unreadable, then walked forward again, and Tali had to clasp her hands together to keep them steady. He was close enough that if he reached out he could touch her, but he didn't do so. Instead, he seemed paralyzed, and she could just make out the almost-undetectable quiver of his mandibles.

 

Unconsciously, her brow furrowed; that made no sense. Was he... anxious? The constant staring almost seemed to indicate so, but she had a hard time believing it. After all, he was the one taking advantage of her, so if anything, she reasoned, his hesitation was his way of drawing out this torture he was putting her through.

 

She raised her chin by a millimetre, and his eyes darted to her mouth and back up at her eyes. She silently dared him to come forward, feigning confidence when inside she was numb with fear. He took her challenge and closed the gap between them, but didn't touch her, not yet. He removed his gloves and let them drop to the floor, then raised his hand slowly, hovering just over her arm. He seemed to freeze in place then again, completely unmoving as he looked down at his own hand. She let out a breath and closed her eyes; she no longer had the strength to face this. Time didn't matter anymore as seconds stretched out, both of them immobilized as she conceded her defeat and waited for him to take it.

 

She didn't know how long it took before she finally felt the ghost of talons against her skin. It was barely there, so light that she might have even imagined it, but it didn't stop her from visibly shivering. He touched her again, this time pressing the palm of his hand against her, and she could hear him swallow, as her own breath quivered. He stroked up and down her arm slowly, his movements halting and shaky. She tipped her head back just an inch, her eyes squeezed shut as she pretended to be anywhere but here. She could feel him lean forward slightly then, his mandibles ghosting along the skin of her neck, followed by his mouthplates. This time she swallowed, her bottom lip trembling. His reluctance from before peeled away slowly as his other hand came up to rest on her waist, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

 

Tali willed herself not to cry. His hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer, and she could hear the quiet whimpers that were leaving her mouth of their own accord. He either didn't hear them or ignored them as he nipped the slope of her shoulder lightly, his tongue soothing over the skin afterward. He pulled away after a moment, then brought a hand up to cup her cheek, reminding her painfully of what Shepard had done just an hour or two before.

 

"Look at me," he whispered.

 

She shook her head, afraid that if she listened to him, she'd start crying. He didn't insist immediately, instead running one hand up and down her back as a finger on the other traced over her mouth. He gave her a minute, then another. "Look at me." His voice was almost pleading, catching her by surprise. She opened her eyes halfway, and she caught their glowing reflection in his own. His finger paused along the cleft of her lip, his head tilting slightly as he studied her, memorized her.

 

Suddenly, he pressed her body against his own armoured form, his hands gripping her forearms tightly as he walked her backward, his eyes never leaving hers as she watched the blank emotion on his face be replaced with a fierce lust within an instant, the kind that sent a shot of arousal to her core unconsciously. Her legs hit the back of the bed and he leaned her back gently onto the mattress, then straightened and stripped quickly. She watched with one part morbid curiosity and one part guilty arousal as his gleaming, silver plates were uncovered from the undersuit he wore. She hadn't been able to see him properly in the hotel room before, but now she was somewhat fascinated by the angular lines of his body, and found them just a little attractive, despite herself. He caught her stare then, and her hands trembled for an entirely different reason this time. She cursed her fickle body for responding to him this way, but deep down she knew that this wasn't just a consequence of physicality.

 

She bit down on her lip until she drew blood in an effort to control herself. She was pathetic for letting him get to her, let herself enjoy this like some kind of whore for his pleasure. She had almost managed to steel herself from feeling anything and push back the tension building in her core when he crawled on top of her, his legs pinning her hips in place and his hands running through her hair. She squeezed her eyes shut as his tongue traced along her skin, her body betraying her in the worst possible way.

 

His hands gripped her hips and pulled her forward until just her ankles dangled over the edge of the bed, and his hands drifted to her breasts, rolling and squeezing her nipples between the pads of his fingers. She couldn't stop the moan that left her throat, followed by a gasp that sounded suspiciously like a sob. You don't want this, she repeated over and over in her mind, you're not enjoying this. But no amount of pleading with herself could stop the fact that heat and moisture were pooling between her legs, that her body was arching into his, and she was nearly willingly giving her body to him. Twinges of pleasure rode up her spine, mingling with fiery anger directed both at herself and at him.

 

He nipped down her chest then, licking each mark afterward, as he pushed her thighs apart further with both hands. She was indignant at herself for letting him do so with no resistance, but the thought was pushed out of her head as he slipped a finger inside her, massaging the nerves inside and drawing a wavering gasp from her mouth. He jerked his fingers against the spot again and she pushed her head back into the sheets automatically, her body arching dramatically into his. Tears escaped her eyes, but whether they were the bad kind or the good kind, she didn't know. She didn't want to know.

 

He pulled himself to eye level with her again, his other hand keeping her face in place as she watched feverish, violent lust burn in the blue of his irises, and she knew that hers were mirroring it. The nervousness, the fear, the anger, it had all vanished; somehow he had managed to get under her skin again, make her lose her inhibitions, and give in to the wildfire that was Garrus and let it consume her completely. She hated herself for it.

 

She couldn't find the will to push it all away, to pull her sanity back from the clutches of lust. Her breathing was shallow as he licked up the arch of her neck and over her chin, dipping into her mouth momentarily. She provided no resistance as he slipped his fingers out of her and gripped the back of her knees, pushing them back as far as they would go and leaving her exposed to him.

 

Something flickered across his face then, and she recognized it instantly. She didn't know much about turian expressions, but she had known Garrus long enough to know this one, but it was gone before she could come to terms with the fact that it had been there. To her complete and utter surprise, the emotion was regret, and it caught her completely off-guard. He must have noticed the recognition on her own features, as his mandibles drew close to his face and he pushed into her in one fluid motion.

 

The rest disappeared in a glaze of heat and tension, pushing and panting, white-hot ecstasy and feverish bliss. The very essence of him took her breath away, set fire to her nerves and pushed her into the far reaches of delirium that she had only experienced once before, and only with him. Shepard was loving, gentle, exquisite, breathtaking, _perfect_ ; but Garrus was passion incarnate, and she couldn't help but be consumed by him, despite the fact that she knew she was being an adulterous bitch.

 

None of that mattered right now though; the only thing she could focus on was him, and the things he was making her feel. He pushed her toward her peak, higher and higher until she couldn't breathe anymore, then gently pushed her over the brink, sending her crashing and tumbling back to reality, then followed shortly behind her.

 

Afterward neither of them moved, both exhausted and out of breath. As the endorphins leeched out of her bloodstream, Tali became acutely aware of what had just happened, she grew numb with disbelief. Garrus was still inside her, but she suddenly felt the burning need to push him away, claw at him and rip him to shreds for turning her own body and mind against her. She deserved to be shot or thrown out of the airlock for this betrayal, for _willingly_ sleeping with another man without alcohol as an excuse this time. Her throat constricted painfully and she felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was drowning and Garrus was the one holding her down.

 

She managed to gain control of her erratic breathing and slip back to sanity when she felt him slide out of her and pull away to stand back on his feet, though he seemed a little shaky. For a moment she stared at him blankly, watching as he pulled a towel from the closet and cleaned up, then began to get dressed.

 

Her moment of paralysis passed and she jerked to her feet, picking up the pieces of her suit frantically.

She heard the definitive sound of his undersuit zipping behind her, and was in the process of pulling on her leggings when she felt a hand wrap around her wrist gently. She swung around violently, intent on hurting him in some way or another for daring to touch her after what he'd just done, when his other hand caught the punch she was lining up with his face and twisted it down painfully. She glared at him, abhorrence and fury lining every inch of her body, but he didn't react, instead simply bringing her wrists together and restraining them with one hand instead. His other one drifted to her side, as he tilted his head to get a better view.

 

"Don't touch me," she snarled, trying to pull out of his ironclad grip.

 

He gave her that look that sent ice running through her veins, but she was adamant this time to not let it get to her. He'd had his fun and corrupted her in the process; she didn't owe him anything more than that. But he had decided to not pay attention to her struggling anymore, instead raking his eyes over her body and occasionally touching her skin. She writhed and pulled, but his grip was nearly unbreakable and he was insistent. It was only when he traced over something on her shoulder that she looked down begrudgingly at his fingers, only to find that he was stroking one of the marks he had left.

 

She froze and stared at him. What the hell was he doing?

 

"Chakwas has something for these," he said quietly, running his thumb over the long red line. "I'm sorry if they hurt."

 

Her head spun, and this time, it wasn't the stims. His actions confounded her, rendering her dumbstruck as she opened her mouth to speak, only to close it again. _This_ was what he was sorry for? A few scratches that would heal in a day or two, not the fact that he was ripping her life apart? The anger within her bubbled up again, and she waited for just a few more moments for his grip to loosen before ripping her hands away and backing away from him.

 

"I said, don't touch me."

 

Their eyes locked in a strange struggle for dominance, her body lined with unparalleled anger and his with some kind of incomprehensible emotion. Neither of them backed down, refusing to let the other win their battle of wills, though she couldn't understand what _his_ was. Eventually he backed away, taking a step back and turning away to get dressed. She didn't move for another moment, then did the same, her fingers slipping on the buckles and latches until she had managed to put it all on properly. She took one last deep breath before putting her mask on, pushing away her frazzled nerves and confused thoughts to a dark corner of her mind. She wondered absently how much longer she could keep this up; there was only so much room in her mind to stow away all these feelings, and she was afraid that one day she wouldn't be able to handle any more.

 

She caught him watching her when she finished dressing, leaning against the wall with his mandibles drawn close to his face, clearly bothered, but by what, she didn't know. She adjusted her hood and straightened her back, then stared back at him. His mandibles fluttered; she narrowed her eyes.

She looked away then and silently made her way to the door. She could feel his stare in the back of her head, but she didn't look at him again. Her hand hovered over the door lock, then pressed down. She walked out without another glance behind her, leaving him behind in the silence.

 


End file.
